Memories of a Siriusly Black Heart
by shasa
Summary: We hear Sirius mention his family sparingly and with dislike during the Order of the Phoenix. What memories accompany those bitter tirades? "I'm going to run away," he said suddenly. She sat up blearily but didn't protest his statement. "I've had enough,"
1. A Heart Replaced by Spite

**Hi! The basic format of these chapters will start with a section from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and then elaborate on it. Not sure how many chapters there're going to be, but they will only be loosely connected. This is not a structured story, but it does follow a certain timeline. I appreciate any and all reviews be it compliment or critique! (: **

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><p>"Stand up straight," said Sirius impatiently. "Now, what are you up to?"<p>

"Kreacher is cleaning," the elf repeated. "Kreacher lives to serve the noble house of Black-"

"-and it's getting blacker every day, it's filthy," said Sirius.

"Master always liked his little joke," said Kreacher, bowing again, and continuing in an undertone, "Master was a nasty ungrateful swine who broke his mother's heart-"

"My mother didn't have a heart, Kreacher," Sirius snapped. "She kept herself alive out of pure spite."

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p. 109

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><p>Sirius toyed idly with his fork as his mother yelled, a sullen expression on his face.<p>

"YOU'VE BEEN AT THIS SCHOOL FOR SIX YEARS, AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? LETTERS TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR MISUSES OF MAGIC, MISBEHAVIOR, MISCHIEF, MISDEMEANOUR AFTER MISDEMEANOUR! HOW YOU'VE MANAGED TO DO IT IS BEYOND ME! IF YOU'D BEEN IN SLYTHERIN-"

Regulus cowered in his seat, casting terrified glances between his mother and his brother. Sirius frowned. Didn't she understand that he couldn't have controlled the sorting hat?

"YOU WOULD HAVE HAD PEOPLE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU-" He'd thought his entire life that he would be in Slytherin with the rest of them, with Bellatrix, Regulus, Andromeda, and with Narcissa.

"IDIOT BOY, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" He thought of laughing in the common room with them, how the firelight would glint off of Cissy's hair like spun gold, and how devilishly handsome he would look with his shirt untucked and his green and silver tie undone. But then he thought of James, Remus, and Peter and he felt guilty.

"YOU'RE FIFTEEN! BEHAVE LIKE IT! I SWEAR YOU HAVE A SHORTER ATTENTION SPAN THAN A FILTHY MUGGLE!" Regulus' frightened squeal distracted him from his musings and he looked up, irritated. His slate grey eyes widened as -

_SMACK._

The sound of the slap resonated in the dining room before fading into a silence punctuated only by Walburga Black's irregular and harsh breathing. "Well," she said in an only slightly forced voice, "your cousins will be over for the night, please make yourself presentable. Apologize first," Her two sons remained frozen in their positions at the table.

"_Apologize," _she said again, her anger mounting again. Sirius' cheek was still stinging from the slap, and he could feel the heat in his cheek as an ugly bruise formed. Regulus quivered, still glued to his seat, charcoal eyes wide and frightened. Sirius turned his head slowly and gave his mother a look of utter hatred. She let out a mirthless titter, her chest heaving with suppressed fury. Sirius watched warily as Walburga's hand reached for her wand and laid it on the table, contemplating it.

"The Cruciatus Curse should help," she said quietly, however each syllable fell with frightening clarity. As she lifted her head, and the wand, Sirius repressed a shudder at the mad glint in her eyes, so similar to his own.

"_Crucio!" _She shrieked without warning, jabbing her birch wand at Sirius like a rapier. Regulus leapt a foot in the air and let out a strangled gasp. Sirius wanted to tell him it was ok, that his big brother was going to be fine, but then the pain started to kick in. He could hear a terrible screaming, then realized it was coming from him. It felt like someone was trying to simultaneously pull all of his limbs from his torso, stab him repeatedly with needles, and utter an Accio for his heart and it was responding by trying vainly to sever itself from his body. As if he was underwater he heard his younger brother screaming as well.

"Mother, stop it, you're hurting him! Stop it, please Mother, I'm sure he'll apologize! It's not his fault, please mother stop, STOP STOP STOP IT!" Regulus' voice broke on the last word and he gave up and sobbed dryly, pulling vainly at his mother's sleeve, trying to get her to stop the spell. Sirius' legs reflexively curled into his chest as painful spasms racked his body and forced him out of his chair and onto the floor, where he lay twitching for a minute after his mother had lifted the curse. She surveyed him imperiously and he was reminded strongly of his cousin Bellatrix.

"Well?" she said, her voice haughty, dripping with Black regality. Sirius stood up shakily, wincing with every halting movement his body made. He felt as though he had been beaten for a week, then wrung, and finally hung out to dry in the sun. He was tempted to refuse to say the words she wanted to hear, but he remembered his brother's distraught screaming and decided to take pity on Regulus, after all, he had to live up to his self-sacrificing Gryffindor qualities. However, instead of bringing a smile to his face, the thought only made him feel wearier. He ran a hand through his silky hair, ruffling it for a second before it fell back into place.

"I'm sorry mother," he spat from gritted teeth, bowing his head jerkily so that she couldn't see his eyes burning with resentment and rebellion.

He stalked up to his room without another word, his brothers pitiful sniffles fading into the musty silence. "Get out of my way, Kreacher," he snapped angrily and wrenched his door open, slamming it behind him before collapsing onto the bed. Sirius glanced into the mirror, he did a double-take at the mark on his face. It was really worse than he had predicted, he thought glumly. However Sirius was instantly distracted as he sensed a presence outside of his door. A spell was whispered and the lock on the door clicked ominously.

"This is for your earlier cheek," his mother said sweetly, and he could practically feel the spite dripping from her voice. "Pity you won't be able to spend time with your cousins tonight. Be good, Sirius," Though he couldn't hear her footsteps, he could tell when she was gone. He fell back onto his bed with renewed anguish. She knew-! The despicable old hag knew he wanted to see Cissy! She was doing this out of pure spite for his refusal to give in to her earlier. He listened, hating himself for being a masochist, as the doorbell rang and his mother greeted her brother's family into her home cheerfully, as though she hadn't just abused her eldest son. Bellatrix had definitely gotten the crazy genes from his dear mother. He heard said crazy lady's husky voice.

"Rodolphus and I are going to look at your garden, Aunt Walburga, I do hope you won't mind," Sirius snorted. He knew they were just going to shag somewhere. The garden? That's the best excuse she could come up wtih? Bella and Roddy had gotten married almost two years ago but they were still going at it like rabbits. He shook his head as his mother and aunt tittered shrilly and let the young married couple do as they pleased.

"Auntie, have you heard about that dreadful new subject they're starting at Hogwarts? Muggle Studies! As if it weren't the dullest thing," Every muscle in Sirius' body was suddenly strung taut and all his nerve endings tingled. He would know Narcissa's voice anywhere. It was smooth as silk, but with enough veiled power underneath the surface to tell that she wasn't one to trifle with.

He unbuttoned his stiffly starched collar with relish. She was the complete opposite of Bellatrix, who displayed her power ostentatiously. His thoughts drifted back to Narcissa. He undid the rest of the buttons absentmindedly. He could visualize perfectly what she must have looked like as she said it. Her immaculate white teeth would gleam as she threw her head back to laugh softly, her hands folded neatly in her lap, her blond hair flowing about her shoulders. A soft knock on his door brought him out of his reverie and to his senses.

"Come in." He said dully. He doubted it was his mother, and he had been wondering if the door had stayed locked after the first fifty times he tried to open it. The door opened hesitantly and Sirius bit back a yelp as a pale face stared in, framed by elegant blond waves.

After passing the first hour in his room Sirius had flung his clothes around in a half-hearted temper tantrum. The boxers he was planning to wear tomorrow and the day after were strewn across the floor as were multiple _Playwizard _magazines and a box of half-eaten chocolate cauldrons. He had unbuttoned his shirt and it was just barely clinging from his shoulders, he had been shrugging it off when he had heard the knock. Narcissa wrinkled her small nose at the wreckage, which reeked of testosterone.

"Um, I've brought you food," she murmured and nudged the door open with the tray she was holding in her hands. Sirius' mouth watered at the onion soup and bûche de noël. That's right, he had forgotten it was almost Christmas, what with all the fighting at home, it hardly seemed possible that a time for family appreciation and affection could be so quick on their heels. As she picked her way delicately through the rubbish heap, something crumpled under her feet. She looked down and caught a glimpse of two very endowed witches in minimal clothing blowing kisses at the reader before Sirius whisked it up and chucked it elsewhere. She set the tray on his lap a little forcefully, pursing her lips. However Sirius was distracted by the pretty blush that colored her cheeks. He cleared his throat, more for his own benefit than anything else.

Her blue eyes met his once before she turned around and made her way back to the door. She tugged once, twice, then stared at the panel of wood, disbelief clear on her face. Sirius mouthed a thank you towards his ceiling.

"Wand?" he suggested with feigned hope. Narcissa shook her blond head. She had left it downstairs, as she didn't think she'd need it. It was a sort of insult to one's hosting skills to insinuate that you thought you were going to need your wand in their house. Even among family the practice of carrying your wand on your person was looked down upon.

She traipsed back to his bed and sat beside him. There was a comfortable silence for a while as he ate his soup and she flipped through a Quidditch magazine. "Why does it look like a tornado's been through here?" she said in feigned disgust. Sirius pulled a face at her.

"Oh dear Cissy," he sang mockingly, "you wouldn't know, living in a house with mostly _womenfolk_." He wrinkled his nose in fake distaste. "I'm a _man_." He puffed out his chest only half-jokingly.

"I'm not sure what tipped me off," she said dryly, snagging an old edition of _Playwizard_ with her toe and laughing when Sirius blushed and snatched it. He glanced briefly at the cover (_Seven Sexiest Seers: Wanton Witches of the West) _ before hurling it in the general direction of somewhere-far-away. Narcissa's gaze fixed itself on his cheek. Her eyes narrowed imperceptibly.

"What happened?" she said so quietly Sirius almost didn't catch her words. "What?" he blurted, caught unawares. Narcissa's sky blue eyes stared pointedly at his cheek. "What happened?" she said again, not much more loudly than the first time. Her fine-boned hands put the magazine down delicately and she reached out to Sirius. His grey eyes slowly traveled from her eyes to her outstretched hand and then back. He felt as though his mind was working unbelievably slowly.

Narcissa tutted and shuffled closer. She grasped his chin as if he were the fragile one (with her skinny arms and legs like porcelain? Not likely. The Gryffindor in his mind sputtered indignantly as his Slytherin counterpart purred, content to let her do as she pleased). She turned his face slowly towards her and leaned across to scrutinize his slapped cheek. As he realized what she was doing he jerked out of her grip and stared at her self-conciously, but she merely repeated the action. He groaned inwardly. Their thighs and chests were touching and _Merlin _he could feel her steady breathing against him as his pulse steadily increased.

Her breath tickled his cheek and he could smell her hair (was that jasmine?). His gray eyes darted around the room in agitation as he started to get uncomfortably hot. Think of mother, he told himself. His lips twisted in distaste and it was almost enough to distract him from the present situation.

Narcissa trailed her fingertips lightly over the blotchily flushed skin and this time Sirius really did groan. She snatched her fingers back and stared at him with wide blue eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," she whispered. "Yeah but she did," he said with a rueful smile. Narcissa didn't smile back. "Who?" she pressed. She still hadn't moved from her position of leaning around him. Their faces were still so close together that when she had said 'who' Sirius felt the exhale across his own lips. If he just moved forward a little bit. _No_, he told himself firmly. _That is the line. I'll let you have your twisted fantasies but that's too far_, the voice said adamantly. It sounded a bit like Remus.

"My mother, who else?" Her eyes flickered away from his to the bruise and back, willing him to elaborate. "I wasn't listening as she...reprimanded me," Sirius hoped Narcissa didn't want any more detail. But when she masterfully raised a perfect blond eyebrow he gave up. "So she slapped me. And then she wanted me to apologize. I refused. She used Crucio. I apologized." Even now the words left a sour taste in his mouth. Narcissa merely looked unsettled. Sirius was somewhat disappointed. He had been looking forward to the dramatic reaction but her blue eyes showed no hint of tears, no gasp of shock had escaped her pale pink lips.

"What is it Cissy?" he snapped waspishly as she continued to stare at him.

"You know," her voice suddenly sultry, "you _should _have been in Slytherin," she stroked his other cheek. "You have _such_ nice skin, Sirius, pity Aunt Walburga ruined it...for now, Sirius" She drew his name out like a caress. Sirius swallowed, his adams apple bobbing. Then he realized something. He grabbed her hand with his own and thrust it away from his face. "She _told _you?" he seethed.

This time there was no question who 'she' referred to. Narcissa shrugged. "It's common pureblood practice to abuse one's children," she said with a trace of bitterness in her voice. "At least in families as mad as ours. These are mad times, but our family's madder. All of us have hearts blacker than our name." she laughed lightly, but Sirius could detect no amusment. He smiled sourly. "My mother doesn't have a heart."

"What, you think she keeps herself alive out of pure spite?" Narcissa suggested with a hint of a smile. Sirius nodded. "Exactly."

He suddenly realized her hand was still in his.

He marveled at how small and cold it was compared to his own. He took a good look at the girl sitting next to him. Even though a couple years younger, he was much bigger than her. Sirius was a proud 6 feet and 4 inches, but he doubted that Narcissa was even 5'8" at most. His broad shoulders and lean, muscular frame made the blonde seem unusually slim. She fidgeted in her grey dress robes, and Sirius realized he was staring rather obviously. Narcissa was watching him with amusement, and as he met her gaze, flustered, she smiled sincerely for the first time. It took his breath away.

He leaned forwards maddeningly slowly, and she mimicked him almost teasingly. Their foreheads touched and they stayed like that for a moment. Sirius grinned playfully and Narcissa blushed, looking away and then coquettishly back at him through her eyelashes. He groaned for the third time that night and they both fell into the kiss desperately. Narcissa grabbed at his hair and he wrapped his arms around her waist and back. Sirius boldly deepened the kiss and they fell back onto his bed.

He pinned her wrists down triumphantly, his knees on either side of her hips. He took pride in bringing out this side of Narcissa Black that she shared with nobody else, not even her own sister. Sirius took in her mussed blond hair, her chest heaving, her usually immaculate dress robes creased, her normally pale cheeks flushed, and her blue eyes bright. She smiled up at him, dimples forming in her cheeks. He bent down to take another kiss from her when a sharp rap on the door startled them both. Sirius yelped and fell off the bed and Narcissa peered down at him worriedly. When she realized the comedic nature of the situation she laughed and Sirius scowled at her.

"Hellloo? Cissy are you in there? We're ready to leave!" Bellatrix called impatiently from the other side of the door. Narcissa leapt off of the bed and tried to fix her hair, straighten her slate robes, and arrange her face into the perfect mask it had been. Sirius traced her lips with his thumb and smiled cheekily. "I like you better before. You seemed so alive," Her pink lips curved into a dimpled smile reminiscent of the one she wore earlier. Standing on her tiptoes she kissed his cheek before hurrying out the door (which was unlocked once more), blushing furiously. Sirius stood dazedly in his room for another minute. Grinning fiercely he ran a hand through his hair and whooped loudly.

"So Narcissa," said Bellatrix with a knowing smirk. "Made a man out of our dear Sirius, did you?"

"What? No!" Narcissa said aghast. "Nothing like that!"

"Nothing? Nothing at all?" Bella leaned forward curiously. Narcissa smiled secretively and looked out of the carriage window. Content with that answer, Bella crossed her arms victoriously and leaned back against the arm of her confused husband.

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><p><strong>« On n'aime que ce qu'on ne possède pas tout entier. » - Marcel Proust - "We only love that which we do not wholly possess."<strong>

**I decided to make the quotes for these chapters French, since the Black family motto (Toujours Pur) is also in French! (: Review, s'il vous plait, I would love to know what you thought of it! **


	2. Running Away

So here's another chappie y'all. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I siriusly don't own Harry Potter guys

:3 this amuses me so much

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><p>"You ran away from home?"<p>

"When I was about sixteen," said Sirius. "I'd had enough."

"But…why did you…?"

"Leave?" Sirius smiled bitterly and ran a hand through his long, unkempt hair.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, pg. 111

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><p>Sirius checked his reflection in the mirror for what seemed like the millionth time that night. His dark robes were loose and billowed around his black satin dress shirt and formal slacks. Every inch of him reeked of the pampered pureblood prat his mother wished he was. Sirius wrinkled his nose in distaste, and untucked the shirt sloppily - anything to displease his mother. The doorbell rang and after a millisecond of hesitation he tucked in his shirt again. Sirius heard his mother ushering in her brother's family like the perfect hostess.<p>

He bounded down the stairs and skidded into the dining room, managing to sit down next to his younger brother just as everyone was seating themselves around the formal dining table for tea. He graciously greeted his Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus, trying to make small talk with his stuffy relatives. Every so often he shot a covert glance at Narcissa, but she seemed hell bent on ignoring him.

"KREACHER! MIPSY! TEA!" his mother screeched in the general direction of the kitchens. Two diminutive house elves wearing uniform tea towels each stamped with the Black family crest, scurried into the dining room, one carried a tea tray with an ornate teapot, sugar bowl, milk pitcher, and seven teacups, the other carried a platter of buttered crumpets. After setting the platters on the table, they bowed so low their noses almost scraped the ground, (Sirius hated the pitiful creatures) and exited.

As Sirius was given a rather girly looking teacup his dark eyebrows shot up, he looked sideways at his brother, who was too scared of their mother to do anything but sip the tea timidly. Sirius rolled his slate grey eyes at the sight; Regulus was a right little pansy he was. Was there a manly way to drink tea from a teacup, he wondered. He looked at his uncle for inspiration, and decided no, there was no manly way to drink tea.

Grimacing at the saccharine substance inside the florally patterned porcelain, and how the innocuous drink would surely dent his manhood forever, he decided to finally turn his attention to his cousins. He cast his dark grey gaze first towards Bellatrix, laughing internally at her haughty boredom; she was scrutinizing her own sultry reflection in the back of a spoon. He then allowed his hungry eyes to wander over faerie-like Narcissa.

Her blonde hair was done in loose ringlets; her small hands were folded in her lap. Her face was downcast, staring at her hands and lap. He frowned and mentally urged her to look up. As his aunt, uncle, and _dear _mother droned in the background, and because Bellatrix couldn't be counted on not to turn up her nose at him, her "baby cousin", Narcissa was the only chance he had at amusement. But something was off. Right on cue, she looked up, startled and finally sensing his stare. He pulled a face at her, hoping to catch a glimpse of her dimples. She shook her head almost imperceptibly and turned her blue eyes to her cooling tea instead. Sirius frowned.

"Aunt Druella, Uncle Cygnus, would you mind if Narcissa and I took a stroll in the gardens?" He interjected smoothly.

Narcissa was staring wide-eyed at him, with something akin to fear, and his mother looked like steam would come whistling out of her ears at any moment. Regulus looked at him with dismayed longing, wishing he could have been brave or smart enough to think of asking something like that; it wasn't as if he wasn't dreadfully bored here as well. Bellatrix looked at the two with surprise and a shrewdness that Sirius decided he heartily disliked. His uncle acquiesced dismissively and the three adults returned to their undoubtedly dull conversation. As he led Narcissa into their slightly deteriorating rose garden, he turned suddenly, causing her almost to smack into him. He leaned against the crumbling stone pillar behind him and stared at her, trying to decide how exactly to break her icy shield.

"Tell me what's wrong, Cissy," he tried cajoling her. Narcissa shook her head. "Cissy," he said her pet name again. Something warned him that this was urgent; there was a fluttering anxiety that threatened to turn into full fledged panic somewhere in his chest. He walked towards her swiftly and tilted her chin up so that she would have to look him square in the eyes. She blinked furiously, and Sirius saw the unmistakable gleam of tears in her light blue eyes. He let go of her chin as if burnt by her smooth skin. "…Cissy?" It had been a number of years since he had seen his cousin cry. She hadn't shed even a single tear in his presence even when Andromeda had left, though he could tell she'd been hurt.

"S-sirius," A choked sob. "I'm engaged."

His heart stopped for a second in his chest before restarting with a painful throb. It suddenly felt as if there was a knarl stuck in his throat. "Wh-what?"

"I'm getting married as soon as possible, after And-….you know, they want to make sure I won't do the same," Her head was bowed, but he saw the drops fall and get absorbed into the cold ground. But by the time he had moved forward to embrace Narcissa, she had gathered herself and was glaring at him coldly with cold, albeit red-rimmed, eyes.

"How old are you?" he said incredulously, she couldn't be that much older than himself.

"Nineteen," she replied softly. "So young," he said. She didn't reply.

"Who's the lucky bastard?" Sirius asked lowly, not bothering to conceal the bitterness in his voice.

Narcissa mumbled something incoherently. Sirius lifted his eyebrows.

"Lucius Malfoy," she said, uncharacteristically meek. And to be fair, Sirius never had been good at holding back his legendary Gryffindor temper. He exploded.

"MALFOY?" He roared. "That git with a stick up his arse so far I bet if you kissed him you'd get a splinter! He'll hurt you and he won't even think twice about it! Your parents want you to marry _that_?" He strode to where she was silently standing and suddenly grasped her shoulders, shaking her violently. "Narcissa you can't marry him!" he said in a pained voice. She jerked out of his grasp. "Ouch, Sirius you're hurting me!" He dropped his voice and his tone was solemn and serious. "Narcissa, I've heard things about Malfoy – bad things. They say he's deep in Dark Magic, he could put you in danger." Narcissa stared mutely at Sirius' feet.

"What's to be done?" She murmured. There was only silence.

"You know," Sirius started thoughtfully, "I'm sixteen – I'm going to be of age in less than a year. I'm pureblood as they come, and hey, think of how attractive the children will be," he smirked broadly. Narcissa narrowed her blue eyes in confusion.

"What are you suggesting?"

"Close your eyes, Cissy," she stared at him warily.

"Oh c'mon, I'm not going pull anything, just do it." She slowly closed her eyes. A minute passed, but she swore it felt like an hour. When she opened her eyes, mouth already open to berate Sirius for his stupid joke at her expense, she saw him on one knee with one of the solemnest expressions she'd ever seen on his handsome face.

"Sirius?"

"Narcissa Black, will you marry me?" It was so silent she swore he could hear her heartbeat increase.

"Sirius I -" Narcissa was going to refuse, that simple word forming in her throat ready to extinguish that hopeful light in Sirius' grey eyes. But then he produced a ring from his pocket, woven of daisies, and she said another equally simple word instead.

"Yes,"

Sirius let out that wonderful, barking laugh that she loved, and leapt from his kneeling position to hug her. She breathed in his musky, smoky scent and relaxed in his arms.

"But really, _Malfoy_?" he grumbled playfully into her silky hair. Narcissa murmured noncommittally.

They kissed once, slowly and sweetly, before walking back to the Manor, Narcissa admired her ring out loud.

"You better get me a real diamond, Sirius," she threatened. "Or else I may not want to marry you anymore,"

"Oh yeah, Cissy?"

"And then who would you marry? I can't imagine anyone else wanting you," she stuck her small nose into the air haughtily.

"That's not what Teagan Finnigan said under the mistletoe last Christmastime," Sirius said smugly. Narcissa shot ice daggers at him with her blue eyes and he intertwined their fingers and brought them to his lips. "Oh c'mon, I'm only joking," She simply shook her blond hair in a sort of condescending manner and they hurriedly let go of their hands as they reentered the Manor. Cygnus' eyes lit up at the sight of his daughter.

"Oh Narcissa, there you are, we were just leaving,"

Bella got up with too little grace and too much eagerness, almost sending all of her silverware crashing to the floor. Walburga adieu'd and goodbyed politely until her guests were out of sight.

Bellatrix's expression grew increasingly annoyed with every jolt of the carriage, but Cygnus and Druella seemed to be in relatively high spirits.

"Mummy, Daddy," Narcissa started breezily. She knew exactly how she was to break the news – suddenly, as one would break a victim's neck. Then she would tell them all the reasons why Sirius was really better than spoilt, pompous Lucius Malfoy.

"Yes darling?" Her dad replied absentmindedly.

"Sirius proposed to me," Her mother turned her head so sharply Narcissa wondered that her neck didn't snap.

"And I said yes," she continued. Cygnus stared at her and she counted down until her mother's explosion.

"HE WHAT? YOU WHAT?" She screamed shrilly. Bellatrix didn't even glance in their direction, but Narcissa knew she would get a grilling once they were in private. "I WILL BE HAVING A SERIOUS TALK WITH WALBURGA ABOUT HER SON'S UPBRINGING. EVEN UNKNOWING OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I MEAN HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK YOUR FATHER! AND YOU! SAYING YES! CYGNUS, TALK TO HER!" she shrieked.

Narcissa rolled her sky blue eyes. Her father rubbed his balding pate tiredly.

"I'm sorry, Narcissa, but you can't marry Sirius," her mother nodded righteously but her father simply seemed sad and tired.

"But Daddy, Sirius is as pureblooded as they come," she flipped her shining hair behind her shoulder. "And this way the money would stay in the family, and I'd stay in the family too,"

"Narcissa – you don't understand," he said softly, the tone people use to mitigate extremely bad news.

« Papa, s'il vous plait! » maybe the language of their ancestors would convince him that family ties were the strongest. But it was futile.

"Je le dirai encore une fois, tu ne comprends pas, ma fille. I've signed the Engagement Oath already," She stared at him blankly, every so often jostled by the movement of the horse-drawn carriage.

"But…I thought those were supposed to be signed during the engagement ceremony!" her voice rose with every word, as her father's voice diminished in volume.

"Because of what happened with Androm- because of prior events, the Malfoys want to ensure that you will marry their son. It's binding; think of it as a textual Unbreakable Vow."

"But without the consent of the participants." Narcissa said in a cold, clear voice. She would not cry. Not yet - maybe in Bellatrix's arms, safe from the world, or in Sirius' if she saw him again.

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><p>Sirius fiddled with a croissant as his mother reading the Prophet with a continuously disgusted expression on her face. When she sipped her tea he decided to tell her his news.<p>

"I proposed to Narcissa the other day," he said carefully, making sure her birch wand was out of arm's reach. She was rather free with curses, his mother. She simply laughed.

"What did she say?" she was still perusing the newspaper.

"She said yes," Sirius said boldly

"Poor girl," his mother responded, not sounding very sorry at all. "She must not have known,"

"Known what?" Walburga Black looked at her son with what something that may very well have been pity.

"Oh, Sirius. There's no way she can possibly marry you. Her parents have signed the Engagement Oath,"

"The what?" he stared at her, grey eyes blank.

"The Engagement Oath, you idiot boy! What _do _they teach you in school?" she snapped. "It's like an Unbreakable Vow, except on paper, and it binds a man and woman together in marriage,"

"Oh." was the stiff answer. He rose and walked to his room. His mother didn't cast another glance at him.

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><p>Sirius tossed and turned on the bed. Sleep wouldn't come. His mind, as all minds have a nasty habit of doing, dwelt on the thing that caused him the most misery. He imagined they could have had a happy life together, happier than most pureblood marriages, to be sure. They were in love, how could it not work out? She would walk down the aisle in her beautiful white dress robes, looking like a veela but ten times prettier, and she would smile with those dimples that he simply adored. They would feed each other cake and he would smear it all over her face. James would be his best man, he didn't care what his mother would have to say about it (nasty things no doubt) and he would invite all of his friends from Gryffindor. They would have one child – a boy, whom Narcissa would dote on, with blond hair like his mother and grey eyes just like his father.<p>

His mind was made up. He needed to see Narcissa. Sirius Apparated into his cousin's room with a telltale crack, and he muffled her scream with his hand. Her blue eyes were wide and panicked but she relaxed when she saw him.

"Narcissa," he said awkwardly. Now that he was here, he really had no idea why he'd come or what he'd say. Hearing a choked sob, he looked at her, alarmed, and she threw herself into his arms.

She felt like an idiot, crying like this in front of Sirius. She was soaking the front of his robes! What would he think of her now, sniveling on him like a pathetic child.

"Oh Cissy, Cissy," He brought his arms around her and she curled up in his lap, still crying. He took her face in his hands, and kissed her forehead, then her nose, and finally her lips.

"We'll see each other still, right?" Narcissa murmured into his collar bone. He hummed in response. To be honest, he had no idea. His arms snaked up her sides, gripping her close to him, and his lips sought hers instinctually. They fell back into her bed. Their entwined limbs tangled Narcissa's sheets. But the night slipped by far too quickly; Sirius pulled himself away from Narcissa's dozing form to put his shirt back on (how it had come off, he had no idea). She woke with a start, reaching for his hand.

"I'm going to run away," he said suddenly. She sat up blearily but didn't protest his statement. "I've had enough," She knew how dissatisfied he was with their family, and she suspected that she was one of the only reasons he put up with his mother, brother, and Bellatrix. Their eyes met and Narcissa shook her head at the unspoken question. "I couldn't possibly, Sirius. In the end…family wins,"

"I'm family too," he said softly, but it was hollow, a shadow of an argument. He knew she wouldn't come with him; she had always been too good. Narcissa reached for his face with pale fingers and wiped something off his cheek. He touched his own cheek in shock. He was crying; Sirius wiped away his tears and voiced one last request.

"Smile for me?" he asked her. She shook her head forlornly. He hated seeing her blue eyes so sad. Sirius poked her cheek. "C'mon, I want to see those dimples again, just for me," and so she smiled.

"After this..." he started slowly, "we'll probably be on different sides," He said in a rare moment of sad clarity. He meant it in a purely personal sense of course, not knowing future events.

"Au revoir, then" she said, still smiling a watery smile. Narcissa kissed his left, then right cheek and then he left.

The next day, Sirius ran away from home and sought refuge at his best friend's house. The next day, Narcissa met her fiancé, and hated that she didn't hate him.

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><p><strong>« L'amour est ce qui vous fait sourire quand vous êtes fatigué » - « Love is what makes you smile when you're tired »<strong>

******A/N: So. Another chapter. I realize it may be a bit OOC on both their parts, if you have any :) Reviewing would seriously make my day! ******

**« Souriez, meme si c'est un sourire triste, parce que de plus triste qu'un sourire triste, c'est la tristesse de ne pas savoir comment sourire. » - « Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile. »**


	3. Family

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of these characters blah blah you knew this already **

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><p><strong>"Andromeda's sisters are still here because they made lovely, respectable pure-blood marriages…As far as I'm concerned, they're not my family. <em>She's <em>certainly not my family."**

**- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p. 109**

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><p>Narcissa Black (soon to be Malfoy) stared expressionlessly at the ceiling of her bedroom. Charmed to stay bright and never flake, it was decorated with rosy-cheeked cherubs carrying harps, giggling and flying from cloud to cloud. The spacious bedroom used to be Bellatrix's, made apparent by the obsessive silver and green decorations, and before that, Androm- no.<p>

She firmly pursed her lips. Her thoughts wouldn't wander in that direction. Not today. Her small pale hands fisted her silken bed sheets tightly. Narcissa's eyes flickered briefly to the antique cabinet, where a long, white dress hung. She deliberately relaxed her body and took in a deep, measured breath before throwing her covers off and flipping her slim legs over the edge of the queen bed. The young bride-to-be walked with deliberation towards the wedding dress – _her_ wedding dress, her back ramrod straight, and her eyes blank.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur for Narcissa. She only seemed to remember snippets of conversation or events. She ate breakfast by herself; Bellatrix was coming later to help her get ready, and Druella Black was ordering the house elves around shrilly.

"Would Miss Narcissa like some more tea?" A slight, vacant nod sent the house elf hurrying.

Bellatrix was helping her into her dress. As she pulled the bodice tight the oldest Black sister watched Narcissa. Finally, when Bellatrix started combing her sister's blond hair, she spoke.

"You know Cissy, you've always been the most perfect out of all of us. You have the perfect blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. You're a perfect daughter." Her tone was measured and uncharacteristically bland. There was still no reaction from Narcissa.

"You even chose the perfect man." This time her blue eyes flickered up to meet Bellatrix's dark ones. The double meaning of the sentence was not lost on her.

"Thank you, Bella." She said quietly. There was silence again.

"There! You look gorgeous!" Bellatrix proclaimed loudly with a flourish of her hand. Narcissa looked at herself in the full-length mirror. The floor length skirt was made of tulle, and the bodice was all lace, painstakingly made by the Black house elves to emphasize Narissa's slim figure. Narcissa's usually straight blond hair had been charmed into perfect ringlets and drawn back into a loose bun, with some stray curls framing her face. Bellatrix placed the lace veil gently onto Narcissa, after brushing away a hair or two.

Bending down slightly she murmured into Narcissa's ear "forget about Sirius, Cissy, he's a blood traitor now." and strode out of the room. Narcissa gazed after her. _Well intentioned words_,she thought.

Narcissa wandered into the slightly dilapidated garden, which resembled the one in of Grimmauld Place so well. Her steady hands trailed over broken marble and thorny rose vines. The sky was clear and the wind was cold even though it was mid-April.

"You look lovely," a voice said from behind her. In the first show of real emotion all day Narcissa spun around, her eyes wide and wild.

"Sirius? What are you doing here?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Oh come off it, Cissy, you think I wouldn't show on your big day?" he said teasingly. Narcissa seethed. How could he be so humorous?

"Shut up, blood-traitor" she snapped. His smile withered. Her eyes shot ice daggers at him and his expression became pained. "Don't you know why I left?" he said angrily. She simply glared at him. "I left because of you! You could have left with me!"

"So should I feel bad? Should I feel kindly towards you that you would abandon your family – _our _family, for this?" she gestured between them.

"Don't you?" he said quietly. Sirius' grey eyes blazed. "Narcissa, come with me. Run away with me. We could see the world, and get married, and-"

"Sirius how could you ask that of me! You know how much family means to me!" she cut him off angrily.

"Right, I forgot we're not family," he sneered.

She took hesitant steps towards him; her hands danced in the air like pale birds as she reached out towards him tentatively. He looked on stonily and she let out her breath in a fluttering sigh.

"Sirius…I love you, I do. But…I love them too," she gestured at the house behind them. "After Andromeda do you think I could really do that to them…?" she trailed off. He looked at the ground and back at her, with a resigned expression.

"Oh Narcissa, I just-" and with that she threw herself at him. His strong arms caught her waist and lifted her up to him. His mouth met hers in a bruising kiss and she ran her hands through his hair frantically. After they broke apart Narcissa started to say something but Sirius put his fingers to her lips.

"No – don't say anything. I just want you to know that I love you, and I'll probably never love anybody like I love you." Narcissa's blue eyes shimmered with tears. "And though there's a really selfish part of me that doesn't want you to ever love anybody either, I also want you to be happy. Just – don't forget about me, or what we had, whatever you do. Ok, Cissy?" He kissed her again, this time gentler and slower before pushing her away. After brushing his gray eyes hurriedly with the back of his hand he Apparated with a loud crack.

Stunned from the encounter, Narcissa sunk onto a stone bench, and put her face in her hands. However, when she lifted her face again, there was no sign of tears on her pale face.

Hearing the noise, Druella Black hurriedly ran to Narcissa. Her dark eyes were alight with panic; Narcissa suspected that her mother had thought that she would repeat her older sister's actions, and had Apparated. "Cissa, darling, please don't disappear like that, it makes us worry!" She clenched Narcissa's arm with a crushing grip. They walked to the aisle stiffly and Druella handed her youngest daughter's arm to Cygnus Black, who smiled resignedly.

"So foul and fair a day I have not seen," Narcissa's father said solemnly, quoting the famous Shakespearean tragedy Macbeth. "Today I lose my youngest daughter, but I gain a son-in-law," he kissed her on the forehead in a rare gesture of affection. Her mother sniffed in askance some meters away.

"Fair is foul, and foul is fair," Narcissa responded with another quote. With a small smile, the first true one all day, she responded, "And I lose a father, and gain a husband," her voice trembled slightly towards the end of the sentence.

As they walked down the aisle, the marital orchestra, all dressed in white, and paid for generously by the Malfoy family, started playing the wedding march. The two flower girls, two French relatives of the Malfoy's (both blond), strewed white and pale pink flowers across the white strip of silk that served as her wedding aisle. Her fiancé waited at the other end, looking every bit the perfect pureblooded prince in his wedding tuxedo. She turned her eyes demurely to the floor, and avoided his avid staring. It wasn't uncalled for – they had only seen each other once before in person, but her encounter with Sirius had left her too shaken to ogle Mr. Malfoy as of yet. She'd have the rest of her life to do that.

As she walked up to the altar, she finally looked into the face of the man she was supposed to love. The elderly warlock signalled for silence.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here…if any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter forever hold his peace."

Narcissa turned her head slightly to scan the crowd with blue eyes. Sirius was nowhere to be found. It was for the best anyways.

"Do you, Miss Narcissa Black, take Mr Lucius Malfoy to be your lawfully wedded pureblood husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death parts you?"

"I do." She said quietly.

"And do you, Mr Lucius Malfoy, take Miss Narcissa Black to be your lawfully wedded pureblood wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death parts you?"

"I do." Lucius said.

They exchanged rings. Lucius slipped the silver wedding band onto Narcissa's small hand. Narcissa's hands shook slightly but she also managed to slide on his ring with minimal delay.

"I now pronounce you man and wife. Mr Malfoy, you may kiss the bride," Narcissa hoped she didn't look afraid. Blacks were supposed to be strong. With a painful jolt she realized she was no longer a Black. Lucius leant towards his beautiful young wife, pausing for a moment to grasp her hand, which was still shaking slightly. As his lips met hers softly Narcissa marvelled at the fact that they were warm and soft, even though he looked like he was made of cold marble and stone. From this moment onwards she would never speak of her love for him, but she would never forget it either.

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><p><strong>"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers." - Eddie Cantor - "un mariage, c'est un enterrement où vous sentez vos propres fleurs." <strong> 

**A/N: So...it has been a really really really long time since I've written..anything. So please please review if you have issues with anything in this story, or if you simply want to share your thoughts/love/opinions (: thanks for reading! **


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